chocolate chips + kdramas // a glimpse into my life currently, feat. Q & A session with Myself

Hello, lovelies! Look who didn’t actually fall off the face of the earth!

really, I did, but the moon is lonely and there’s no pizza so I’m back

I’ve been absent from Curious Wren long enough that the idea of blogging is ridiculously intimidating, but here I am [rewards self with hot cider]. Because it’s been ages since I’ve blogged regularly and I wanted to re-introduce myself somehow to all of my lovely followers and friends (a.k.a YOU)…

… I came up with the brilliant idea of a fun Q & A session with Yours Truly. But I didn’t know what questions to use so I asked for help on Twitter and you all were delightfully responsive. [virtual hugs + chocolate for everyone]

Never fear, I’m here to quench your burning curiosity about what books I’m currently reading, which Doctor Who companion I’d want to be best friends with, when I last ate chocolate chips, and what my Top Five Kdrama list looks like. Read on, my dear cacao beans.

Q & A session w/Annie Hawthorne

I feel like I’m interrogating myself, yIKES

Your favorite summer order at a coffee shop? Your fave winter order?

Oh, help.

It depends on where I’m ordering. In the winter I gravitate toward chai teas and coffee with chocolate + mint. There’s a coffee shoppe not far from my workplace with an intimate, bookish ambiance–I frequent it often, ordering a 12 oz. latte because I’m a light-weight when it comes to caffeine, and cozying up at a table to read and write and people-watch. In the summer I adore smoothies, particularly ones with strawberries and citrus. Panera has a caffe mocha that’s illegally delicious when you get it frozen.

When was the last time you had chocolate chips?

Okay, best question ever.

Yesterday afternoon I snacked on some of the leftover chocolate chip brownies I’d made for my sunday school munchkins, and my sister is planning on making cookies soon which means there’s choc. chip cookie dough in my future. Balm in Gilead, darlings.

What is your ideal summer aesthetic?

1) I’m in the car post-beach trip. The sun sets in a blaze of pinkish-orange glory on the distant horizon, the windows are down and I can smell hay fields + sun-warmed skin. Wind whips my hair in my face, so I hold it back with one hand and stick the other out the window. My siblings are there with me, and we sing along at the top of our lungs to everything from Disney songs to Gaelic music of which pronunciation we slaughter unabashedly. Probably the First Younger Sister is still finishing her ice-cream cone and by now it’s dripping down her wrist and all of us are cracking up with laughter because that’s what siblings do. We are happy, in love with life and God and each other.

2) it’s dusk, and we’re gathered around the bonfire, some people in lawn chairs, others on a dead tree trunk that’s been a fireside bench as long as I can remember. Maybe we finally got around to burning the Christmas tree or maybe it’s just a special friday night. The flames lick at hot dogs and marshmallows. As twilight deepens into night, the cats roam about in the shadows beyond the leaping fire like silent, friendly ghosts. We draw close while Dad reads a short story–the only sound his warm, strong voice and the crackle-pop of the fire. Someone breaks out the sparklers and someone else starts chasing fireflies while Mum cuddles the smallest nephew. My older brother and I have an impromptu race out into the fields behind our house, and finally end up far out under the vast expanse of the starry sky, laughing and stumbling–happy to do nothing but look at the milky way and remember how to breathe and imagine, for a few fleeting seconds, that we’re children again. Later we all sit in the dim glow of the flickering embers and talk, sometimes telling stories, sometimes reminiscing, sometimes just sitting in companionable silence. We are thankful and we are content.

At what age did you come to have a personal relationship with Jesus, and do you have special memories of that time or event?

My personal epiphany that I was a sinner happened when I was quite young (I was a rebellious, unholy terror & I knew it), repentance I also comprehended quickly since I was consistently regretful of my naughty self and always wanting to change and be better and different; realizing that my choice of heaven or hell was literally in my own hands took me longer to understand.

I ended up being six years old when I prayed & asked Jesus to be my personal Savior and friend. It was on a wednesday night and I must have been sick because Mum and I stayed home from church–I recall it was dark and Mummy was singing me to sleep when I started asking her questions about hell and heaven + how exactly I could avoid the one and go to the other, because I knew without a shade of doubt that I was going to hell and I wasn’t partial to the idea. I don’t have a lot of memories beyond my prayer, but I do remember how relieving it was to know that God forgave me no matter what I did and how comforting it was knowing that I was never alone and always safe–no matter how scary the dark was, or how intimidating other children were.

Now that I’m older and much more experienced in life–with my heart deeply hurt multiple times and my soul trampled on–I’m slowly beginning to understand the thankfulness + awe that’s shown in three of the most wonderful verses written in the Bible.

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~ Romans 8: 38-39

“Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift.” ~ 2 Corinthians 9: 15

What are you currently reading? Currently watching? Currently listening to?

Right now I’m reading far too many books: six to be exact. I have a bad habit of reading multiple books at once which means it takes me longer to finish anything, but I usually finish 2-3 simultaneously so hopefully it all balances out? Currently I’m re-reading Jane of Lantern Hill and falling deeper in love with the evocative, stinging beauty + truth + homey-ness of Montgomery’s writing. I recently picked up The Killer Angels at the Gettysburg Nation Military Park bookstore and I’m loving it to pieces. The story of Gettysburg is one I know by heart but actually reading Killer Angels brings the heroism and heartache of the Civil War alive in a way that’s already making me cry–I’m only in chapter three for goodness sakes. Besides those two I have bookmarks in Northbridge Rectory (Angela Thirkell), Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte), Fawkes (Nadine Brandes), Les Miserables (Victor Hugo) and I’m going to start The Screwtape Letters (C.S. Lewis) because obv. I need to be reading a seventh book. what is wrong with me, help

I’m always currently listening to The Piano Guys, select songs by Celtic Woman, Peter Hollens, and Two Steps from Hell (despite the shocking name, about sixty percent of their music is gorgeous sweeping instrumentals that make you want to create beauty + fight battles + snuggle babies + cry). Right now I’m also compiling a playlist of Korean drama OSTs, etc.

As for what I’m watching, there is a new slew of autumnal kdramas airing and I’ve picked up a couple, dropped some, and have plans to check out a few more as time allows. The Ghost Detective is thoroughly creeping me out in the best of ways and I can’t decide if I regret my life choices or not re: watching it (although, tbh, any drama ft. a scruffy, swoony Daniel Choi can’t be a bad choice). It’s perfect for curling up with a bowl of ramen but I refuse to watch it at nighttime to avoid giving myself nightmares. I just started Terius Behind Me last weekend and I think I’m in love. It’s espionage comedy at its finest with a semi-retired legendary spy babysitting chaotic twins for their extremely relatable widowed mother (Jung In-sun is flawless in every single one of her works I’ve watched) and there’s heaps of shenanigans + hilarious, heartwarming scenes everywhere.

why do I get invested in things so fast, it’s embarrassing

Top book you’ve read this year?

Hmm… War of Loyalties. It has a special place in my heart and I can’t even talk about it without wanting to cry. I think because the characters are v. alive to me and I’m so fond of them it’s sometimes painful, and also because it’s written by one of my dearest friends and it is a genuinely beautiful, good book with one of the best, most lovable main characters I’ve ever encountered.

I want to hug it–oh, and adopt Starlin & be best friends with Ben & bicker with Jaeryn (because as much as I swoon over him, in real life we would be the type of friends who’d knock heads about everything but would probably die for each other).

Please tell us which is your #1 favorite Korean drama?

Land o’ Goshen, how do I narrow it down to one favorite??? I’m going to cheat and pick Top Favorite(s) per genre:

Mystery/Crime/Investigative: Bad Guys (not to be confused with Bad Guys: City of Evil). It’s gritty, fascinating, and the bromance is everything I hoped for. Runner Up, I Remember You or else Life on Mars both of which are shows to write home about. It’s probably telling of my tastes as a person that all three kdramas make me cry + have epic male friendships.

Action: Two Weeks. Sweetest Dad-Daughter dynamic in the history of tv shows + antiheroes + Lee Jun-ki. Excuse me whilst I fangirl over my favorite Korean actor for a minute.

Fantasy (ish): While You Were Sleeping. More thoughts on that here, although I need to devote a more thorough post to this excellent drama sometime. Runner Up, Goblin.

Science fiction: Circle: Two Worlds Connected. I watched it whilst it was airing and, let me tell you, my stress levels were at an all time high (those cliffhangers wHY) and I cried like a baby in the last two episodes. Probably one of the best stories about brothers that I’ve watched in my life. Runner Up, I am not a Robot (which is actually more rom-com than science, but, oh, well.)

Comedy: Woohoo Waikiki or Go Go Waikiki. Disclaimer: this show has a lot of crude humor and some scenes/side plots that it could’ve done without–nothing that can’t be skipped though. That aside, it’s possibly the most heart-warming, relatable comedy I’ve watched, showcasing wonderful, resilient friendships and actual dialogue gems about life that made me cry (I never expected to cry in this, but what can I say; apparently, I’m an emotional viewer). Don’t watch this while you’re eating, because the chances of choking from laughter are high.

School/coming-of-age: School 2013 which has basically the most precious, feels-inducing bromance/friendships that exist, besides Samwise and Frodo in LOTR. Runner Up, Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-ju.

Slice of Life: Your House Helper. I never knew a TV show could be so restful and healing. This is a beautifully crafted drama about life and learning to stand up for yourself + how to give yourself grace as a person (whether you’re struggling with mental health or job-hunting or loss or unrequited love). It’s just sweet, and because of it I have a few growth marks on my soul that weren’t there before.

This list will probably look v different in a couple years, ask me again in 2020. Also, if you’re interested in any of these dramas, feel free to ask me about them! Come to the dark side, we have cookies & crying sessions & intellectual discussions & way too many feelings.

What’s the story you’ve written/are writing that you are most pleased and proud about?

The story I’m most proud of is one I’m currently writing about a mute girl and a magical cat. Something about it feels right and I can’t wait for it to make friends with the bookworm world someday.

What got you into kdramas and what are your top five shows?

I blame Mirriam Neal for this. All my pain and tortured feels are 100% her fault. [blows kisses in her direction] At the moment my top five shows are, in no particular order:

• Life on Mars.
• I Remember You/Hello Monster.
• While You Were Sleeping.
• School 2013.
• Bad Guys.

What are your favorite books of all time?

The Hobbit. Always The Hobbit first of all. I genuinely do not remember a time when I didn’t know about Bilbo and Gandalf and Gollum–I was four years old when we named a bunny after Bilbo and I was already well-acquainted with his character by that point so I assume I was a smol baby when Mother started her tradition of reading The Hobbit aloud to us each year. Other all-time favorite books are:

• A Christmas Carol
• The Wind in the Willows
• Jane of Lantern Hill
• Halo: Ghosts of Onyx
• Alice in Wonderland
• To Kill A Mockingbird
• War of Loyalties
• The Blue Castle
• Lord of the Rings
• The Code of the Woosters
• Flora & Ulysses
• The Phantom of the Opera
• Peter Pan
• North and South
• basically all the Pooh Bear books
• The Secret Garden
• The Silver Chair
• Little Women
• I, Juan de Pareja
• Paddington
• Jane Eyre
• Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH
• The Hiding Place

I suppose I should stop now.

If you could have one Doctor Who companion for a best friend, which one would it be?

As much as I love all the companions, I would probably pick Martha or Rory. I have too many negative similarities to Donna, Amy, and Clara so I don’t know if we would necessarily get along as best friends. Martha would be amazing though (she’s seriously underrated and it’s the saddest thing) and Rory is such a nice, lovable, down-to-earth fellow–I feel we’d be good friends.

Do you listen to music while you write?

Nearly always, yes. Silence is too distracting because it’s like being in a hollow cavern with noises echoing everywhere. I like to write with people around me, but if I don’t keep my earbuds in they start talking to me and there goes my focus. I prefer instrumental music because lyrics distract me, but if they’re in a different language (say, Gaelic or Korean) then all’s fine and dandy. Some of my favorite instrumentals to accompany my writing are Doctor Who soundtracks, basically anything by John Williams or Howard Shore, and select songs by Two Steps from Hell (we just call it TSFH) e. g. Homecoming, For the Win, Compass, Never Give up on Your Dreams & Protectors of the Earth.

Cats? Dragons? Baby Griffins? Foxes?

All of them. I’m especially partial to merch with raccoons + red pandas + foxes. And I’m going to own no less than three cats someday. I have names picked out and everything; there’ll be the Queen of Sheba, Piccadilly, and Samwise. Other options include Kwazii, Mowgli, Incorrigible Creature, Pippin, Gentleman Tom, Professor Potts, etc. I think about my future felines’ names more than I think about my future children’s. this is normal.

What about you, friendlies? What are you currently reading? And what is your Book of the Year so far? Let’s chat!

dare to move forward // feat. annie’s word for twenty-eighteen

 

Twenty-eighteen marks the third year in a row that I’ve chosen a word to sum up everything I hope for in the coming months. 2016’s word was brave and my word for 2017 was others. With both words, I knew almost as soon as January rolled around exactly what I wanted.

But not this year.

I had a specific idea of what I wanted to see happen in 2018 but there didn’t seem to be any words that fit with my thought to perfection. I toyed around with venture and focus and bloom and none of them felt right, although focus came close. I prayed about it and searched in the dictionary and made lists.

The word I kept coming back to still feels a bit odd, like a puzzle piece that won’t quite fit where it’s supposed to go, but in the end it expresses my over-arching goal + desire for 2018 better than anything else I mulled over.

for·ward, adverb

• toward the front; in the direction that one is facing or traveling.
• onward so as to make progress; toward a successful conclusion.

Last year felt like a time where I went in circles. I was processing the aftermath of two deaths in my life, and several things slowed to a snail’s pace as a result–specifically writing and Curious Wren. It was a hard+ fulfilling year in terms of my spiritual growth as a Christian, and I know I’m a different, better person for it. But looking back over 2017 in regards to my writing life and my dreams, I didn’t make much progress.

So, this year I’m taking my dreams back in my hands.

I’m going to write. I have a magic realism book I can’t wait to explore–I’ve already written the first couple chapters and I’m head-over-heels in love with the charries and the story. It’ll be a bit like Flora and Ulysses: The Illuminated Adventures in the feeling of bittersweet nostalgia and whimsy, I hope.

I’m going to focus on reading more, because we all know that to be a good writer we need to be immersing ourselves in wonderful literature. #tornbetweenRereadsandmyTBRtower

I’m going to create a regular schedule for blogging. I have all sorts of articles up my sleeves that I can’t wait to share with you darlings.

I’m praying about attending a writers’ conference. I have plans already to travel and go on several road-trips. I’m going to be more intentional with my time (already working on that. which YAY) and study and learn, and challenge myself as a sunday school teacher and child of God.

I have so many plans for this year, it’s making me giddy in the best of ways.

God-willing, in twenty-eighteen I will move…

FORWARD

 

 

oh, look, she exists // #CuriousWrenhappenings + incidentally I am still on this planet

Currently: today is a quiet, mellow day. Later I’m going christmas shopping with the Older Sister and I have a chiro appointment, but right now there’s a cup of hot mint tea at my elbow and out the window I can see the bare limbs of the birch trees and the heavy, dark-green boughs of the pines swaying in the blustery November wind.

Thinking: about all the books I want to re-visit. Little Women. Brambly Hedge. The Mistmantle Chronicles. David Copperfield. Narnia. Lord of the Rings. Tales of Goldstone Wood. Johnny Tremain. Hans Brinker and the Silver Skates. Wind in the Willows. Pooh Bear. Tintin comics. Can someone please tell me the way to Gallifrey so I can st–borrow a TARDIS? Time shall not be the boss of me! [she says as she keeps one eye on the clock so she’s not late for her appointment]

Words Percolating: this verse from Ephesians chapter 5; “For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light.”

Listening: Enya. Sometimes you just need soft, breathy vocals to enhance your happy place.

Reading: Three books. Anne of the Island because I started re-reading the entire series a couple months ago. I’m almost done with the third book and am falling more deeply in love with the magic and simplicity of Montgomery’s writing. She understood people at a level few authors have. Jane Eyre, which is a traditional autumn read of mine. I’m taking it slow because I forgot how despicable her relations were and it riles me every time I read. The only things keeping me from flinging the book across the room is my reputation and the fact that I don’t want to ding the corners of my precious copy. Les Miserables. [insert silent bow at all the various humans in my life who’ve been badgering me to read it]

Mood: Poirot when he sits down with the Perfect Cup of Hot Chocolate.

Loving: Thomas Newman’s soundtrack for Little Women // Modcloth’s thigh-high fox socks // Autumn-autumn-everything-autumnal // flannel plaid shirts that are just the right shade of rich blue // gingersnaps // inside jokes with my coworkers and our boss // the crackle of dead leaves crunching under my boots // stories that give me a nostalgic glimpse of my childhood // studies on What It Means To Be Holy // people who do not hesitant to hug you back // spontaneous outings with friends // writing at coffee shoppes // being a Sunday School teacher // Panera’s chai tea // Spiderman: Homecoming. I am so here for awkward + adorkable young superheros who don’t want to kill people and have homework and strict moral compasses and will fight you even though they are terrified and just want their Hero/Father figure to come save them // customer service people who go out of their way to make your day amazing.

 

Anticipating: christmassssssssssssss — there are not enough letters in the alphabet to express how much I adore everything about the christmas season // Blogging again. I’m so excited to have cleaned the cobwebs off the door and stepped back over the threshold of Curious Wren. I missed all of you! // Nadine Brandes’ newest novel, FAWKES. Check out that gorgeous book cover // WAR OF LOYALTIES COMES OUT ON THE 30TH IM NOT HYPERVENTILATING YOU’RE HYPERVENTILATING. #WW1SpyNovelsFTW

Thankful: for every single day I have to spend with all my precious humans. More about this topic + the Reason for my Hiatus in the next blog post, Lord-willing. [she said ominously]

What are your Current Happenings, friendlies?

fire-dancing + tintin comic books + worky-wakey-worky // #curiouswrencurrenthappenings

Currently: i am typing this at the dining room table where i am squeezed into the smallest corner possible so the Older Sister can cut out a dress (she’s sewing it for a wedding we are attending in November. EEEP). Supper is cooking on the stove–it smells heavenly–Younger sister is reading and Youngest Sister is doing something scary with the sewing scissors (i might get my fingers cut off). Mum is chatting with Older Sister, we have music blasting on our tiny portable speaker, and i have no idea what my Dad is doing… probably taking care of our chickens. it is a good evening.

Thinking: having a close-knit family is possibly the most amazing thing in the world//i adore fairytales and fairytale retellings… just so, so much. they fill a longing in my soul and i would be perfectly happy writing them for the rest of my life//this world needs more people who smile at strangers//bravery is a beautiful and rare thing//i like to dance with fire–which basically means daring to be real, and shed the mask//living in the moment is more worth it than i can express. not thinking about what i have to do in two minutes or five or a hour or a day or a year, but reveling in the small things, giving someone my full attention whenever i’m with them, listening to the birds,just being. it’s hard and i forget all the time, but it is amazing//i actually quite like the new Spiderman. i was skeptical before i watched Civil War but he’s great–AG will always be the Spiderman to me though//why do we like angsty characters so much? i’ve been pondering this for the last few weeks and methinks i am going to have to write an article about it//SNAIL MAIL IS THE BEST AND SHOULD NEVER GO EXTINCT DO YOUR PART HUMANS//children are miracles, even when they put crayons in your coffee//i really, really am fond of my job and my “people” and even though work eats up my time and i don’t get to write or blog as much, it is also helping me learn how to prioritize better and i’ve gleaned so much story fodder it’s ridiculous//

Words in my mind: i am reading Hebrews right now and these particular verses have been rolling around in my mind all day. “But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.” chapter 11: 6.

Listening to: banjo music because with Spanish blood from my Mum and hill-billy strains from my Dad’s side, my siblings and i adore lively music. But the Older Sister also recently found a few instrumental songs that are breathtaking. they are a must-listen, seriously, you won’t regret it: Homecoming + Compass + Men of Honor + Illumielle. And then of course there’s this one. (disclaimer: i don’t approve of much of the TSFH music, but some of it is incredible. it makes me cry, it inspires me, i love it.)

Reading: so. much. Tintin. Goodness, I love these comics. I want a Professor Calculus for a friend–actually I want all the whole jolly crew as friends. I am also sloooowly reading Isle of Fire and I just started a new Wodehouse book. I’m still seeping myself in the wonder that is Notes from the Tilt-A-Whirl and I am halfway through Winter. *proceeds to fangirl over basically everything, but mostly Thorne and Cress* I have heaps of books i want to read this autumn and winter–can. not. wait. Which reminds me I need to share my Fall TBR with you all! Soon, friends, soon.

Feeling: tired, but also very excited for the future and waiting to make allll the plans and do allll the things and write alll the things, and basically, calm down Self. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. One day at a time. #thestruggleisreal

Loving: Tintin (*cough* i feel like i am repeating myself?). pumpkin spice doughnuts//exploring the woods and following trails just because we can//random beach trips//inside jokes//being friends with my coworkers//plants that don’t require much care because apparently i have the opposite of a green thumb//foxes (they are CUTE Y’ALL)//sageuk kdramas, basically korean dramas that are set in ancient history, some of them are really good (*hugs Scarlet Heart: Ryeo*) and the costumes + culture + language + politics are fascinating. i am for sure writing a book set in ancient Korea//Captain America: Civil War–every bit as good as I hoped. I need to re-watch it now so i can review it on the blog.//lace skirts//the fact that autumn is HERE YAY.

Anticipating: all the fun, adventurous fall activities. i really want to do a corn maze this year, please and thank you//starting season 3 of All Creatures Great and Small  with the family tonight–such a cozy TV show//our church’s mission conferences coming up//taking more writing classes and researching reflexology//FALL//my newest nephew arriving, whenever he gets his act together. *wink* I need a brand-new baby to cuddle//so. many. weddings. O.O I shall be preparing all the finery and eating all the cake.//

Thankful: my family. i honestly don’t know how i would ever manage without them//sight, i’ve been thinking about blindness a lot lately and Praise Jesus, i can see//it’s fall–I love autumn very much in case you couldn’t tell//forgiveness and that God is always there to catch me when i stumble//our police force–i just want to speak to all of the good ones (which is the majority) and tell them how much I appreciate them//people who put nuts on icecream cones, bless you.

What are your Current Happenings, lovelies?

of stardust and sea-spray

 
{via}

currently: roadtripping//headed to a special cottage/cabin for our family holiday//alllll of us siblings are going, plus the nieces and nephew//hence i am ALL THE EXCITEMENT WHAT HO.

thinking: about this article… i am ninety percent sure that one of my books fits in the psycho-horror thriller genre. it helps me develop and explore the particular redemptive theme better, methinks//allegories are a wonderful thing//i will never tire of people-watching//someday i’ll learn violin and play it on a mountaintop//life is hard, life is rough, but when i choose to revel in the little things, when i remember how much i am Loved, life is gloriously good//people really are just the same the world over–same hopes, same fears, same dreams, same pitfalls, same need for Jesus//one of these days i want to write a novel that puts vampires back in their proper place of horrific, non-glamorized beings (think Dracula). they’re more to be pitied and avoided, than swooned over//the workings of a human’s mind will never cease to fascinate me… we are so complex and yet we are nothing compared to the vastness and simultaneous simplicity of our Creator//the “duty of care” is heartbreaking//if i could choose a superpower i would love something fast, like flying//nutella is LIFE.

listening to: many songs that are road trip perfection, but at the moment this makes my heart glad. plus a goodish amount of murray gold, hans zimmer and various lyrical musicaks//nothing like singing along at the top of your lungs to Mary Poppins songs. ^_^

reading: Third Girl by agatha christie is on my lap//there’s a wodehouse book on the car dash//and a plethora of novels for this week in our book bag//in case you’re curious, here is the list:

A Tangled Web (montgomery). Inkheart. Dracula. Halo: Fall of Reach (eric nylund). Isle of Swords. Several wodehouse and agatha christie. Jackaby.

feeling: torn between elated, content, and please-just-let-me-sleep-before-i-lose-what-little-sanity-remains.

loving: triple chocolate chip cookies//my littlest niece’s squeals of delight//when the Older Sister communicates via walkie-talkie with our brother in his car ahead from us (“Honey Pot to Rubber Duck, do you read me?”)//birch trees like so many maiden dryads//the words stardust and sea-spray//owl charms on key-chains//

thankful for: being alive//a family that’s my support group + besties + confidantes + all-around epic humans//my hands–just sliced my thumb yesterday so, goodness, i am grateful that i usually have full use of my fingers//air-conditioner//unexpected intrusions of beauty//the warm, safe knowledge that my Saviour is always with me… no matter how far from home i am//spring-time.

//sehnsucht

(I meant to write about something entirely different when I started this post. I meant to describe what my new job was like, how adjusting my writing/blogging schedule is taking more time than expected. I planned to discuss life and people and bravery and my current reads, and how I can’t wait to star-gaze on summer night again. 

I certainly didn’t mean to share about my deepest longing. And it’s frightening to bare so much of my soul… but I promised myself that I would be brave.)

I’m thinking about words tonight.

Not just words that give me chills from their beauty–like petrichor or enchanté or apricity or scrumptious or paralian—and not just quotes that taste right.

“The heart of man is very much like the sea, it has its storms, its tides and its depths; it has its pearls too.” — Vincent Van Gogh

You know what it’s like to have words bottled up tight inside you? To feel something so deeply you don’t know how to express it no matter how hard you try? To have that soul-hunger and not be able to find a way to describe it?

I have many things on my mind right now—all gossamer, fluttering images that dash away when I reach out to grasp them. A friend told me this deep ache, this feeling of something beautiful, something rich and powerful that you can’t see even though it seems just there on the horizon—she said it is Sehnsucht.

Sehnsucht.

“yearning; wistful longing.”

C.S. Lewis describes it as a “desire for our proper place.” He says: “At present we are on the outside of the world, the wrong side of the door. We discern the freshness and purity of morning, but they do not make us fresh and pure. We cannot mingle with the splendours we see.”

And you know what? It hurts. It’s not easy to talk about, not easy to share about, because it’s a feeling, an emotion, that runs so deep. This longing for home; this yearning for perfect beauty, perfect joy, perfect companionship with our Creator is engrained in our souls and it hurts.

I miss Heaven. I miss unblemished, perfect beauty. I miss unmarred, pure, unbridled joy and I’ve only ever caught tiny, fractured glimpses of it.

A smile on a stranger’s face, a giggle from a tiny baby, the smell of coffee, the sharp black silhouettes of trees against the deep blue of an evening sky, a bird chirping, a tight, never-let-you-go hug from my brother, a flash of vivid colour, the clink of heeled boots on a wooden floor, teardrops from the sky splashing against glass panes, the feel of satin, the smell of rain, books that make me cry, tranquil moments, laughing so hard your chest aches, train whistles at night, cider or hot chocolate so burning hot it makes you cough, flaming sunsets, flannel shirts, catching fireflies.

Sometimes Sehnsucht only brushes its fingers over my soul. Sometimes it’s too deep for even tears to relieve. Often it’s too much, too impossible to describe.

Sometimes beauty burns with its sharpness.

Sometimes I have to look away because the sense of wonder is too great.

Why does it hurt so much? I’m still dust, still incomplete–only just able to see a fleeting glimpse beyond the tapestry before it slips back in place again. And I ache for the day when I can see clearly.

Sehnsucht.

“Apparently, then, our lifelong nostalgia, our longing to be reunited with something in the universe from which we now feel cut off, to be on the inside of some door which we have always seen from the outside, is no mere neurotic fancy, but the truest index of our real situation. And to be at last summoned inside would be both glory and honour beyond all our merits and also the healing of that old ache.”

— C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

Further Reading: creaking floorboards — Elizabeth Kirkwood | a sudden flash of Sehnsucht — Danielle Carey | flickering lights — Elizabeth Kirkwood

(Out of the blue, while I was typing this, someone texted me verses from First Thessalonians chapter four–the ones all about the voice of the archangel and the second coming. Verse 17 ends like this: “and so shall we ever be with the Lord.” Somehow that captures everything I am feeling.)

“What if?”

{via}

For the past three years I’ve tried to choose a word that sums up everything I hope to be in the new year (inspired by her lovely self)

I’ve never been able to narrow it down to just one,  but this year a Certain Word sprang out at me and I knew without a shadow of a doubt what would be my word for 2016.

BRAVE, adjective

1. Courageous; bold; daring; intrepid; fearless of danger; as a brave warrior. It usually unites the sense of courage with generosity and dignity of mind; qualities often united.

BRAVE, verb transitive To defy; to challenge; to encounter with courage and fortitude, or without being moved; to set at defiance.

I used to think myself a brave person, but in re-evaluating myself last year I realized that in the things that really matter I cower with fear.

I don’t want to be like that.

What if I am brave enough to start a conversation that matters, and not simply exchange banter and light chat when there is so much more beneath the surface?

What if I am brave enough to write about the things that scare me — brave enough to write what I feel called to, no matter how others may view it?

What if I am brave enough to say “no” when I need to?

What if I am brave enough to share my true thoughts and hopes and dreams in person (without the safety of a computer screen or the pages of a journal) and not filter them because they may come across as silly or childlike or sentimental or strange?

{via}

What if I am brave enough to tell people how much they mean to me, how thankful I am for them, instead of only thinking it?

What if I am brave enough to disagree when I need to, instead of keeping silent because of how people may respond?

What if I am brave enough to talk about my faith openly — to show how much it means to me and how being a child of God is what gives me life and purpose and joy and peace?

What if I am brave enough to buy that homeless person food? Brave enough to take the risks I need to to accomplish what I am passionate about? Brave enough to be wholeheartedly the person God made me no matter who I am with or how they may react? Brave enough to read the books that intimidate me, discuss the topics I am uncertain about, make new acquaintances even when it’s easier to just pretend I don’t know people exist? Brave enough to follow my impulses when it comes to strangers because sometimes a smile and a kind word is exactly the bit of sunshine they need?

I wonder how much deeper and richer and true my life would be?

I intend to find out.

This year I will be…

BRAVE

 

 

// bright

Over the past few days my virtual mailbox has been flooded with post after retrospective post about the Old Year and looking towards the New Year. They are all fascinating to read and some are very inspiring, but I’ve noticed that almost every single one has something in common: “Twenty-fifteen was a hard year… I was broken down and built back up again… I learned so much and came out a stronger person… this was one of the toughest years I’ve ever conquered…”

May I tell you a secret?

Twenty-fifteen wasn’t like that for me.

Twenty-fifteen didn’t put me through the fire. 

And that gave me a sense of guilt. Even of fear.

What was wrong with me that the trials I encountered this year didn’t break me down? Why was it that my memories of the past year were so bright and vivid and full of light? Was I somehow shallow in ways I didn’t know? Was I forgetting how to learn or was I becoming content with staying just as I am? Had my growth as a person and child of God slowed? 

And then I realized.

2014 was one of the hardest years I ever lived through.

Not last year, but the year before is a year that stands out in my tapestry of life as one of the darkest, one of the most painful, one of the most trying years I’ve gone through. That was a time that broke me down so I could be builded up again a stronger and, hopefully, wiser person. A time where I walked through the fire and despaired of seeing the other side. A time when I slowly began to understand just how unconditional God’s love is and just how much worth I am in his eyes, no matter how I look in my own sight.

We are human. We are fragile and we measure heartbeats by time because our finite minds can not yet even grasp the idea of a world that is timeless. We are mortal and in our imperfection we can only handle so much. And who better to know that than our Creator?

To put it very poorly, for me, Twenty-fifteen was a breathing space. A time of bright colors after the storm.

This year I was blessed by so many amazing experiences and moments and people.

In the spring my older sister Holly and I went on our first out-of-state road trip together and we stayed in quaint Bed & Breakfasts, explored deep caves, and picnicked in the middle of a quiet, lushly-green Civil War battlefield. I traced the scars of bullets in ancient trees — half-imagining I could hear the roar of battle –and cried in the graveyard of over a hundred Confederate and Federal soldiers. I walked up a staircase Lincoln once stood on. We attended a lovely wedding, got lost, went on hay-rides through gorgeous fields, adopted the most wonderful Southern couple as our “aunt and uncle,” had far too much Nutella, and created still more private jokes. I fell in love with Kentucky, drank in the glorious scenery much more than I read, went to Chick-Fil-A for the first time, window-shopped in idyllic towns, took multiple character sketches, bought my first Wodehouse novel and made friends with various members of the feline family. We listened to Danny Boy so much I have a hard time hearing it now because it makes me homesick.

The surreal perfection of that trip still makes my heart skip a beat — I hold the memory of it like a beautiful gem.

There were lots of firsts for me in Twenty-fifteen.

(inserting a list because, clearly, lists are life.)

— went flying. in a four-seater plane. amazing. we are so tiny in the scale of things. why do we even waste our time with worry and fear when we are faced with the evidence of such majesty and power of God.

— played laser tag and am apparently a natural. this is what having brothers and being a Halo fan does to you. and i love it.

— wrote in cafés and developed a taste for coffee. am i a real writer now? yes that was snark.

— rode on a ski-lift. in the summer.

— fell in love with acting and drama and please, please let me be in another play this year.

— discovered all over again how rewarding and heart-warming and happy it is to be at a church where you belong. where you feel you have come home. thank God.

— won camp nanowrimo july at 25,000 words. which was the most amazing writing spree i have ever done whilst writing long-hand.

— basically wodehouse and sutcliff and rowntree and chesterton and stengl and dicamillo. recommended.

— scrawled a steampunk fantasy thing i adore.

— met this darling (so, so lovely) and this darling (also lovely) and we three became the sea scribblers which is ever bit as epic as it sounds.

— this blog happened and sometimes i still can’t believe that it is real. dream come true. and here’s a thank you to each and every one of you wonderful people who follow and comment and interact and take the time to read. it means so, so much to me. impromptu group hug! *hands chocolate chips around*

— participated in several read-alongs. also recommended. ^_^

— spent several months as a sunday school teacher. stressful and rewarding and i think the teachers, ultimately, learn more from the students than the other way around. tiny humans, i love you.

— scribbled this in a style i never tried before, and now i love it with all the love.

I visited tiny, gloriously overflowing bookstores, and swam at night in glimmering pools and ate far too much ice-cream and went to the beach almost every week just to sprawl on the sand and read Wodehouse or think happy thoughts. I tapped into my artistic side because adults color too.

I remember the thrill of learning I finaled (I say this is a word, spellcheck) in a well-known creative writing competition. I remember struggling to find the silver lining all the times it felt like our old, old house was falling to pieces around us, when talking to people in face-to-face conversations was torturous because the old fear of being my real self had surfaced again, when I forgot to be thankful for my people and realized just how selfish a writer’s life can be when they spend too much time in their own world. I remember attending the national God Save America conference and feeling that swell of proud and patriotism every time the veterans were honored… I cried more in those three days than I had in a long time, and I was reminded once again of the power and wonder of prayer and how little we use it — especially myself.

I read copious amounts of incredible books, watched old movies with my siblings and cried over The Battle of Five Armies and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Art days trotting about a city with family and good friends were some of my favorites.

I made new friends, so many wonderful, inspiring, supportive people — both writers and non-writers.

Writing every day was something I conquered and, slowly, I’ve begun to feel like that far-off day of publication is a hairsbreadth closer.

Was 2015 an easy year?

No. But it was a bright year.

Sometimes a person’s growth is like silver melted down and re-molded. Sometimes it’s like a tiny sprig of grass reaching steadily towards the sunlight.

I don’t know what Twenty-sixteen holds for me.

But I can’t wait to find out.

“The future is yet an untrodden path full of wonderful possibilities.” — L.M. Montgomery